I Died A Little Bit Inside

Helene had a fear of love that ran so deep, most men failed to reach her, no matter how hard they tried. And as with most men she had known, they soon gave up prodding. Her heart had been wounded no more than four years ago and now, she found the very thought of becoming attached to be akin to a chapter in a horror novel. Wide eyed and open mouthed, she generally fled a potential relationship before her partner even realised she had walked out the door. Just as she was somehow managing to cope with a life of solitude, getting back into the swing of things within her studio and running errands all over the city, her skill and expertise landed her work with a long-term client, whom she finds it impossible to ignore. Her heart betrays her as she falls in love and her conscience snaps her back to reality as she makes a run for it. Several months later, one particular evening brings the two closer than they have been in a while.

As she stood in the wings with her head held high, the brunette smoothed down the lily-white princess gown she was wearing and gave her matching kitten heels a once over. Hair softly curled from root to tip, a small chunk tied loosely at the back with a silver butterfly clip, she felt ready to take on the world, rather, the entirety of the ceremonial hall. Nerves had been building from the previous night, yet she had somehow managed to keep them in check and was still alarmingly successful in that area. Hopefully, those nerves would remain locked tight in the pit of her stomach and not have her freeze up on the not-too-high platform she had to stand upon whilst projecting her voice to the awaiting crowd, just a few moments from now. She was not here to perform, thank goodness, simply to offer a speech and hand over an award to one of a few nominees for Best Supporting Actor. In her minds eye, she struggled to remember whom had been nominated, but soon settled as she recalled all of those mentions were written in plain English upon the cards she held tight in her hand.

Applause echoed throughout the palladium and she understood that was her cue to take to the stage. Cards held firmly in one hand as she walked forward, careful not to trip over her own feet, she was aided in stepping up onto the raised platform by the kind presenter who fast made his way off in the direction she had walked on. Offering the crowd a smile, she gently bit the inside of her lip to prep herself for what was to come and as that woke her from a daze, she jumped right into the nominations, not once stumbling over her words.

“I’m not saying films are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth. But really, we know that the most important thing in life is love and friendship and family. And if people don’t have those things, they usually get into show business. we are all one big frightened family,” she spoke, voice crystal clear and tone steady as she continued on, slipping one card to the back of the pile and making a start on the next. Allowing her eyes to quickly scan the words upon it, her breath hitched in her throat at the sentence that would soon follow and as before, she bit down on her lip to snap herself out of the daze she was sure to fall back into if she was not careful. Now was not the time to make a mess of things, or embarrass herself, seeing as this opportunity only came around once in a lifetime, as she was nothing all that special.

“I'm not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it's clear, it's Jared Leto,” she stated, eyes raising just once from the cards as the crowd chuckled at the remark and her gaze rested on his for a moment or two. He was staring intently in her direction, just as every other person seated within the hollowed building, but there was a fire burning within his eyes that was undeniable and with haste, she continued reading from the card. “I mean, he's the prettiest. Boy, is he pretty; nominated for Best Supporting Actor—and Matthew McConaughey also pretty by the way but a different, like a rugged, dirty, a dirty pretty, like a rugged dirty pretty. Good dirty, not bad dirty. Both nominated for Dallas Buyers Club, a very important film. It deals with the serious issue of people who have sex at rodeos. Don’t do it.”

The poor woman had absolutely no idea he was going to be here this evening and that slight mishap, of which she had not been informed prior to her arrival, released all of those pent up nerves inside of her. With shaking hands, after momentary silence, she pulled the final card from a gold envelope and choked back a sob at the name written there, purely out of fear. Delighted that he had won the oscar, of course, but searching for a way out of presenting him with it before realising it was now her job to do so. She was up on this stage, presenting for the first half hour of the ceremony and the first nominations were hers; she was duty bound to face him. Personal lives should not cause disturbance in working lives and that was what she kept repeating in her head over and over until she finally found her voice once more, calling out the winner and praying to every heavenly angel above that he had forgotten about her in what had been just a few short months.

“And the award goes to —— Jared Leto! Dallas Buyers Club,” she yelped, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible without giving away too much. Regardless of what came out of her mouth, her emotions were always present in her eyes and as the crowd cheered and stood for their fellow colleague, she became rigid.

Her gaze was fixed solely on him as he walked around to the front of the stage, strolled the length of the front row and up the steps at the side, steadily approaching her. The closer he got, the more stiff her body became and it did not go unnoticed by him as he swiftly pulled her into an embrace, pressing a tender kiss to her cheek. With trembling arms, she returned the affection and as soon as he released her, she handed him the oscar and briskly hurried off of the stage in the direction she had come earlier. The woman could feel his eyes burning holes in the back of her head as she moved, but her only thoughts now were that of splashing her fash with cold water and sitting down backstage for a little while. Her part was over, of course, but she had spent so much getting dolled up for just that half hour, that she wasn't prepared to walk out the sidedoors and head home just yet. Even if her heart had swollen to the size of a grapefruit and was now lodged in her throat, she was not going to waste a perfectly glorious gown she had spent a months wages on, though it was light as a feather.

Brain rattling whilst she sat herself down in an empty leather chair, she attempted to clear her mind of all obscene thoughts, consisting of herself and the man she had walked out on all those months ago, who had seemed completely oblivious just minutes ago. Stuck in her own little fantasy world, she missed his acceptance speech and did not even hear it come to an end as she traipsed over to the bar near the back of the building. There was perhaps four or five people situated there on stools, all gabbing about the ceremony, with the ladies adjusting the skirt of their dresses every once in a while. Heaving a sigh, she propped herself on a stool at the far end of the bar, out of view from everyone else there, yet with a great view of whomever was on stage at that moment. She made a note of the fact that he was no longer up there and released a drawn out breath she had been holding since descending from the stage, to the backstage area, not too long ago. Her nerves shattered and her shoulders relaxed a little as she downed at least half of the lager and black that had been set down in front of her.

Brows crinkled as she gulped down another load of the alcoholic beverage; thoughts beginning to catch up with her and so, she hopped down off of the stool with her drink still in hand and waltzed away from the bar, following a corridor that pretty much led to nowhere in particular, except an empty room down at the end. Peeking through when she realised the door was unlocked and slightly ajar, she stepped inside and flipped on the light. It appeared to be a changing room, of sorts, complete with a walk in shower, sofa, two lounge chairs and a dainty little kitchen area just off to the left.

“That's called breaking and entering, you know,” a masculine voice piped up, warm breath hitting the side of her neck as two arms wound themselves almost protectively around her midsection. “Although it looks as if this place hasn't had any guests in a while—there's even a Do Not Disturb sign on that door, we could use that,” his tone was as suggestive as it had always been before and she knew immediately whom was standing behind her.

As opposed to making a scene, regardless of the fact there was no one actually around to witness it, she turned slowly in his arms, gingerly raising her own and winding them around his neck. His blue hues shone vibrantly beneath the soft light hovering above them and as before, she went rigid. Frozen in his arms, pressed tight against his body, she found herself unable to pull away, though deep down in her soul, she came to the conclusion that she did not want to do that anyway. His eyes held hers for a long while, before a small curve of his lips diverted her attention downward and her heart began to thump more rapidly within her chest. She knew he could feel the alteration and that smile soon turned into a knowing grin; ever the smug casanova.

“I've missed you,” he confessed, dropping his head forward until his nose bumped with her own and he let out a contented sigh, just to have her back in his arms, having the ability to hold her differently, compared to how he held her briefly when they were on stage in front of thousands. “Where did you go?” he quizzed, now fighting against the need to ask a million different questions within a short space of time, grip tightening around her in fear that he would lose her again if he was not careful with his words.

“I've missed you, too... I really have,” she admitted, locking her fingers behind his neck now in response to how he tightened his arms around her waist and pulled her nearer. Neither one of them was going to get out of this alive, or so it seemed. “I—“ she began, hoping to tell him word for word why she had walked out on him last summer, but it ran so much deeper than that and she was unable to form a coherent sentence. Instead, she began to pull away from his hold, yet finding he would not loosen it until he received a reasonable answer. “Jared, I can't,” she whined, lower lip trembling and her whole body shuddering as he pressed a kiss directly below her ear, trailing further bursts of affection down the length of her neck and across to the other side. “I don't know how to tell you. I want to, but I.. it's very difficult and it only makes me feel...” every word out of her mouth was breathy and jumpy as she found it nigh impossible to speak clearly with his ministrations.

“One word, Hel. Just give me one word and I'll put the pieces together,” he encouraged her to the best of his ability, peppering those kisses up and down either side of her jaw now so his eyes could remain on hers. “Please; I want to know what I did wrong, so I don't make the same mistake all over again.”

Her eyes popped open and met his as soon as those words left his mouth. Did he really believe he had been in the wrong? It was easy for her to understand why, of course, given that she had just up and left without even giving him the very reason why. But, even if she had, would he have understood? No, he probably would have tried to convince her to stay, to ride it out and see where their togetherness took the pair of them. The last time they saw one another, they had been only friends, though fireworks went off with every touch.

“Jared, I didn't leave because of you.. well, I did, but.. it was more because of me,” she stumbled a little over her words, though continued to force them out in the hope that he would follow. “Hurt is a very common thing in life, but in love it is all the more devastating and I've walked that mile too many times. I can't... I can't be that person I used to be; the one who allows herself to be walked all over and just keeps taking it and taking it until she's nothing but a shell of a person, with no more hopes, or dreams, of positivity left inside of her,” she took a breath, arms falling from around his neck whilst she gripped his tux with her fingers instead, curling them around the fabric with every word she spoke. “I was afraid of it happening all over again. I was afraid of winding up all alone and without a reason to live, without a reason to wake up every morning. I was afraid to fall in love again.. and I fell in love with you.. and I had to leave, because my heart is too broken for that ride, Jared. I'm in love with you still, damn it. I am—but you, more than anyone I have ever known, have the potential of causing more hurt than any other man who has walked in and out of my life, because of who you are. Not for your celebrity status, you understand; for your heart, your soul, those eyes... how you make me feel, how I appear to make you feel. All of that – and I love you,” she sobbed, face squished against the shirt he wore beneath his tux in a last ditch effort to save herself from further shame, though she realised her mascara was not by any means waterproof.

All she could feel in the moments of silence that followed was the circular motions the ball of his hand made against her lower back, as he brought it up here and there to try and ease her state of mind. Eyes closed tightly as she bit the inside of her cheek, preventing herself from outright crying like a demented child in front of him. He had never seen her cry before, but knew with how her body was jolting at every interval between catching her breath, he knew she was doing just that. His own voice did not enter her ears until several minutes had passed and her breathing was once again under some kind of control. The movements of his hand stilled and he rose both to hold the sides of her face, pulling her carefully away from his chest and begging her with voiced affection and appraisal of her beauty, to open her eyes and look at him. She shook her head no the first time, but as a result of further compliments and a promise that everything would be okay, she finally looked up at him.

With the palms of his hands resting still on her cheeks, fingers burrowing into loose locks of her curls, he kept her gaze fixed on him and simply smiled. In his eyes, she saw everything she had missed over those painful months and everything that he was dying to offer her. He didn't even have to say a word; she understood without a requirement for him to be vocal, but he went ahead and voiced his thoughts anyway, as she knew he would.

“I know hurt like that, love. I have tried to save every relationship I have ever had, only to fail miserably. I would stay awake at night and resolve conflict as best I could, but more often than not, I was talking to a brick wall. If the person you love, who loves you, is willing to make it work.. they will make it work, with you. Honey, you can't live your life in fear that you're only going to end up hurt no matter what you do. That's going to wound you in itself until the day you die and I love you. I love you too much to let you do that. I won't let you do it, no, I want you to come home with me; come back to the hills so we can start from where we left off, yea? I'm not letting you go again, Hel. That was the mistake I made, in letting it happen. I won't do it again,” he confirmed, eyes fixed on her as a torrent of tears pooled in her eyes, whilst she nodded her head weakly in agreement.

“I'm so sorry—“ the both whispered, simultaneously, both sets of lips smiling as they leaned in for a kiss.